I am so serious.
It’s a practice that has a long history in me, and it is taking its toll.
I am reserved for quite a few reasons… to go through the reasons though isn’t helpful, for that eventually takes on the form of justifying the seriousness to myself.
It is written in the scriptures that God laughs.
I? I admit my attitude is one of “God can and is free to laugh. I’m glad he is happy, but I good staying straight faced.”
Or am I?
Lot of changes have happened lately in my life, and with them has come a lot of good, and a lot of uncomfortable.
I constantly see how he is behind me and before guarding and guiding my paths.
Oh soul of mine… why do you not rejoice?
Is it truly easier to pass through life. Choosing to see the joy and acknowledge it, but choose to stay on the shore and not wade in the water?
Or is that a mask of sanity around the insane, yet reasonable sometimes choice to stay in sadness.
I’ve found it easier to stay in such places that fight to enjoy the air above the water… so to speak.
Is it so wrong to be a child? Can I learn to be as a child in faith and joy again? I chastised the hell out of that part of my heart for years.
Here is the thing I know though.
It’s not the child-like heart that is the problem in me.
It is the perspective that I have of it.
According to the one who gave birth to me, I learned that the child is the one who is always bad. Always doing something to upset someone. Always doing… doing… doing….
Not resting and enjoying the flowers that Christ in his love has made.
People who go through the trauma of controlling people in relationships find difficulty in rediscovering the innocence of innocence.
Yes… true love is innocent and to embrace that innocence is innocent intrinsically to itself.
It must be for God is love.
How ironic… punishing and effectively suffocating the part of me that still knows how to dance within.
Why am I embarrassed of you… the once darling of my heart?
Why have I set to destroy the nuance of your dance? The dance you share in the quiet place of the heart of your maker and redeemer?
Is not the criminal the one who hurt you? Not you yourself?
To know and to believe to the point of practice I find are vastly differently things.
Seeking escape from feelings of joy and gladness.
This is what I do daily, and it is utterly ridiculous even if it is reasonable considering what I have gone through.
I know Yahweh. I know “I am” very well. I am so far when he is so near. I am so distant from the fire and truth that is close to my heart so constantly.
I am not trying to convey a sense of despair, just one of reflection.
I now live in on of the coolest and prettiest places that I know of, and you know what?
This attitude towards life and experience that I bear and choose to carry everyday has cast grey even over the nature of the place that He made here.
“Oh that’s nice.”
A bird chirps.
I feel a part of me go “bloody humbug.”
Abba Father… you know my innermost places, and the schemas of my soul. The very threadwork that defines and embroiders the heart that you have made. I want to flow in the waters of your Holy Spirit once again. I do not want to be as a boulder that resists the flow of water over itself. It may take many thousands of years to erode by said water, but it will happen.
Can I yet dance with you now?
Can I yet regain the laughter that I once shared with you know?
Can my attitude reach a better altitude once again?
One where it is on wings like eagles, and it can soar with the perspectives and truths that you are fully and wholly yourself?
My friend on high; also here within me. I am not asking to be enthralled by a fairy tale.
I am asking you to simply help me smile from the campfire in my soul that I know is still there… even if right now it is only embers.
It is still there.
You know how I know?
Because I feel and know that you still are.
Can we begin again?
I pray and believe so.
Save great one and heal my attitude.
I know that you are.
And I thank you.