It’s the reason behind the reason.
It’s the reason for reason.
Why is it so commonplace to feel like things are without purpose?
I’m not just talking about evil.
I’m talking about how it is so easy to fall into the trap of comfortable apathy.
Where it feels okay to feel lacking as long as the pangs aren’t that bad.
Where forgetting about purpose and dreams is not too terrible feeling.
“Why face people if I can’t even face my own dreams and feelings?”
Sometimes… it feels hard to come by – let alone decide.
I grew up with a dynamic where it felt like my purposes were decided for a long time.
So, I learned to make due with feeling like my voice/wants were small things.
Even to the point of believing that what I purposed in my heart didn’t matter.
No one’s voice intrinsically doesn’t matter.
And no one should have to feel like their wants are nothing to be considered.
This being said… when a split started to be felt. I felt a division happen inside.
Where there was the “me” that other people dealt with.
And there was the “me” that was in my heart.
There was an inner divorce that happened, and for years the two forgot how to talk to each other.
Jesus knew that some kinds of division are not good at all.
“Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand. If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? If I by Beelzebul cast out demons, by whom do your children cast them out? Therefore they will be your judges. But if I by the Spirit of God cast out demons, then God’s Kingdom has come upon you.”Matthew 12:22-28, WEB
Having a soul suffering with a schism within is no peaceful thing.
I am developing something I haven’t tended to for a long time.
A sense of inner unity.
A sense of purpose and meaning.
In what I do.
In what I seek.
Learning to believe that the awesome promises that are in Christ are available to me too.
Because he loves me, and I know he would have me take of them freely and beyond… for the comfort of my heart.
There is a place at the table for me too.
There is a place at the table of his grace for all of the members of my soul.
The parts that make me me.
For the longest time I acted as though God had grace for all the people I prayed for; for the world; and to the broken everywhere.
Here is the thing.
Purpose is found in drinking of his promises.
Meaning is found in the fountain of his presence.
And a life where purpose and faith becomes sight comes from acting on them in faith.
Faith in his good nature.
I don’t just have to sip from that fountain, nor does anyone.
I really have to learn to get drunk from it.
To bath my soul in the healing nature of the Father.
It’s there, and I know it is strong.
I have to be willing to change from my long established way of being content with just knowing it is there.
I need to be in that fountain of life and peace.
I want to be in it.
That’s the difference now.
For my mental health, and the health of my soul… that fountain has what I need and more.
I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for many years. It’s only recently I have reached out for help and I am looking to get better with it.
It’s not the panacea.
It’s not a replacement for meds and therapy for someone struggling (should they be needed).
Talking and tending to the gardens within are still needed.
All of those things are magnified and helped by resting in his fountain.
Trusting that it is open to “all who are thirsty”.
Trusting that it is open to me.
Just like it says in Isaiah.
“Come, everyone who thirsts, to the waters! Come, he who has no money, buy, and eat! Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend money for that which is not bread? and your labor for that which doesn’t satisfy? listen diligently to me, and eat you that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. Turn your ear, and come to me; hear, and your soul shall live: and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.Isaiah 55:1-3, WEB
I shall drink, and I have been more.
Drinking of his promises… and drinking of his peace.
I hope you do.